They include:

The Free-Ride Pass. Let your teenager know that you are available to pick them up, no questions asked from anywhere, no matter what they’ve been doing. This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t discipline them, but rather that you are willing to momentarily overlook any bad behavior in able to help extricate them from situations that may be dangerous.

The Paul McCartney Rule (Never Be Embarassed). Paul McCartney’s wife Linda was not a great musician. When she performed with his band, Wings, she drew criticism and ridicule, but Paul refused to say anything other than ‘she’s in the band.’ Make sure your kids know that they’re in your band- end of story. Nothing they can do is so horrible or embarrassing that you wouldn’t want them on your team.

The River Rule. A river never travels in a straight line- it meanders all over the place. It changes it’s course frequently. Yet it still flows, still achieves it’s destiny. Think of your teenager as a river. Not every mistake needs correcting. Not every way requires a better way. There is no clear path…as much as possible, let your children make mistakes and learn from them themselves.
and many more.

Here is a review written by A. Montgomery. She is a friend of Teenszillas website.

“Grow the tree you got” has a great premise. It basically tells you to accept your teenager for who he is, easier said than done. You still parent, direct and dole out consequences to your teenager, but all with a healthy respect for who he is. If he wants to quit the soccer team, even though he is a great player, let him. As a parent of two teenagers, I could relate to this book. Adolescence has its turbulence, but it is also a period of developing self-knowledge. This book reminds you that the more decisions your teenager makes, the more times he faces the consequences of his decisions, the more he grows within the relative safety of adolescence. There were a couple insights in the book that helped me be a more understanding parent immediately. One is that teenagers know everything. I had forgotten that opinions on and knowledge of almost everything is a natural fallout of that budding self-awareness of adolescence. Another insight was to keep perspective. If your child does well in school, plays sports, is kind to his siblings (most of the time), should you lie awake because he is verbally disrespectful to his parents sometimes? No. You should deal with the disrespect, for sure, but without exasperation. Sturges has a couple good tips for curbing disrespectful behaviour. Sturges also touches on how apparent pushes away can actually be invitations in. One chapter ends with a table with several examples of things teenagers say, and what they really mean. For example, “I don’t care at all” can really mean “I care, I care, I care”. Overall, it was a helpful book, and an easy read. When you are in the throes of parenting a teenager, sometimes you forget that adolescence comes with its own characteristics, regardless of who your child is. At the same time that you are patient with the turbulence of adolescence, you have to listen to, be with, and cherish the person that your unique teenager is.

WIN IT:
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Leave a comment and let us know what you would like to learn about raising teens.

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As soon as the big squeeze was over my tiny little girl looked and him and said “I love you Aussie.” He stood up, nodded his head and said “I love you too!” Looking content with the situation he then left for his room.

It was so random, so unexpected, and so beautiful. This mama was proud!

I’ve been playing the moment over and over in my head trying to figure it all out. She hadn’t ASKED for a hug, she didn’t appear to need a hug. Wait! That’s it! She didn’t need the hug. He did, and his sister knew it!

It was like this light bulb went off in my head. It was one of those moments that you-know-who would call an “Ah-ha moment”. Finally I was having one. This revelation leads me to think about the last time I had hugged my boy. It had been several weeks prior and it was a jokey, one off group hug type thing. Not a proper “I love you” type hug. Somewhere along the line those hugs we cherish so much when they are little, just seemed to stop. I didn’t make a conscious decision to stop hugging him. I know at one point he started getting funny about it, worried people would see his lame mom loving him.

I grew up in a house where the same thing happened. The hugs just stopped. I don’t want that for my family. I don’t want us to grow apart and get cold. I want us to be the family seen in every holiday movie where the grown children come rushing in the door to hug mom. Is that silly? Perhaps the fact that my desire is based on the big screen, but deep down I think it’s what close knit families do?

I guess what I have learned from this one tiny little perfect moment between my children. I need to right my wrong. I need to reintroduce the hug. I just have to decide if I just jump in and do it, or if I share this post with him, and explain that like that day when he needed it, we all need a hug to remind us we’re family.

Thank you Coleen for this wonderful post!

I started seeing the signs he was growing up a long time ago. When he would wipe my kisses away and scoff in disgust, but I’d get the last laugh and kiss him while he slept. When he would refuse to hold my hand on the way to school, but I insisted because “it was to keep him safe”. Then when he started hanging out with his friends at the park, he’d ask me to sit far away to avoid the embarrassment of my presence. I chose to ignore those signs way back then, telling myself I still had time with my little boy. Then one day I woke up and in front of me was this pseudo-man yelling at me in protest of his nickname. He was still my boy, but now he was nearly six feet talk, had a deep voice and was texting girls and hanging out at the mall. When had this happened? I think it was while I was busy convincing myself he was still my little boy.

I am scared. Really scared. The teen years bring a lot of issues that I am not sure I am ready to deal with. Are we really ever READY? Is there a way to prepare? Of course there is, Deep down we prepare for it for years. I always felt like I knew my son, and I kept myself involved in his life. Recently that has been a bigger challenge, and I’m no so sure anymore. He hides out in his room, texting and playing video games. Our communication is not as often as it once was, but when he chooses to open up and talk to me, I can see that he trusts me. He shares the good and the bad with me. Many times I want to plug my ears and yell “I can’t hear you! I’m not listening!”, but I don’t, I give him my undivided attention and just listen. I realize that sometimes he just needs to talk, without risk of being judged. Often times he tells me things in confidence, situations his friends are in, or trouble that a classmate is dealing with. Sometimes they are really hard for me to hear, mostly because I am scared. Just knowing that he has been faced with drugs, violence and sex is almost more than I can handle, but I know that the time for me to push my way into his life is NOW. As he pulls away, I have to push my way back in. I know I feel like I am not ready to deal with these issues but what kind of parent would I be if I sunk my head into the sand and pretended it would just go away.

No matter how scary the issues are, I HAVE to be his parent, more now than ever before. I firmly believe that, while it seems to get easier as they become independent, it’s really the time for us to get more involved even if they hate it, and trust me they WILL hate it.

Written by Coleen, a regular contributor to Teenzillas. Coleen writes weekly posts in her column “Trying Times with a Turbulent Teen“.
Coleen has two blogs:
It’s Not the Good Kind
Snipits of Me
You can follow Coleen on Twitter @hippofatamus

You know that old saying, be careful what you wish for? Heed it’s call, I know that now. My firstborn is a girl. My little daughter was born a measly 6 lbs and 17 inches long. Such a tiny little package of perfection. As she grew, I waited for the day that we could go shopping together, get manis and pedis, share our thoughts, our hopes and dreams. I also hoped that we would wear the same size so that we could share our clothes and shoes. What a money saver that would be, I thought, as well as a way to exponentially increase the potential variety of our wardrobes. Oh, how naiive I was.

That little pumpkin, as my Big Daddy used to call her, is now a grown up girl of 16. And yes, we wear the same size (shoes and tops, that is, she inherited her Daddy’s lanky frame and not my slightly stumpy one). However, since the word share implies a two way transaction, we do not share our wardrobes. Rather, I buy nice things for both her and I, and then she takes mine and wears them. Generally without returning them.

A few months ago, I came into my room to see a great pile of garments on my bed. ‘Hmmmm, what’s all this?” I thought. “Oh, I was looking for this shirt. And this one. And this?”

“SKY?????? What are all these clothes?” I BBM’d, since that’s how we communicate from room-to-room instead of screaming.

“Oh, I found them in my closet .”

She FOUND them? Is that teenager code for took them, loaned them to her friends, and then wore them again, without giving them back?

Another time, I went into my beautifully organized shoe-area of my closet to take out my gorgeous black leather classic black pumps from The Bay ($99, a real steal). One of the shoes was covered in GUM. I kid you not, no word of a lie, CHEWING GUM. All over the leather.

“SKY??????” I BBM’d, “Why are my shoes covered in GUM!?!”

“Oooops. Sorry,” She messaged back, “I wore them to that Sweet 16 party, and I meant to clean them. Remember you said I could wear them when you were on that business trip?”

“DON’T TAKE MY STUFF ANYMORE!!!!”

The dream was over. Visions of sharing, holding hands, and laughing were no longer dancing in my head.

“Don’t wear my clothes. Don’t touch my stuff.”

I was becoming my mother, I realized. I still wanted to share with her. because generally bought her really great stuff. But, how to teach her a lesson? Then, I had an idea. Next time she was out, I went into her closet. And I took two tops from Aritzia. And I wore them. And I put them back in my closet.

And then I wore them again. And when she saw me in the gorgeous green one, she BBM’d me, asking, “Isn’t that my shirt?”

“Ooops.” I said, “I found it. Sorry.” And I went on my way.

When my older kids were small, they were very shy. At Gymboree, they held back and watched while the other chlidren ran and jumped and played. At birthday parties, they insisted I stay, and were fearful of the giant Elmo or Barney designed to entertain. When we went to see Sharon, Lois and Bram, while the other toddlers and pre-schoolers were dancing and singing, my two were hiding under their chairs. We were told this was normal, that some kids are shy, a bit fearful.

My middle boy, who was so shy he would hide under the table during pre-school circle time, started to come out of his shell by the end of Kindergarten, and is now a confident, well-adjusted, and extremely well-liked 14 year old. My daughter, however, seemed to remain somewhat unsure of her place in the world. She always seemed to be on the outside of the group, looking in. She would freak out if we left her with a sitter, sometimes running down the street in her pjs. She wouldn’t go into the basement, and when old enough, wouldn’t stay alone in the house. We tried to tell her not to worry, not to be scared, but nothing we said seemed to make a difference.

When she was in Grade 5, we participated in an ADHD study at Sick Kids Hospital. My son was showing some signs of Attention Deficit (it turned out to be a fine motor delay and a problem with his eyes-always do your homework, and don’t take anything at face value). They tested both older kids, as the last was too young. They brought me into a room for the results, and informed me that my daughter was suffering from separation and generalized anxiety, and that it was ‘my fault’ for ‘overmothering her.’ I thought, how can you over-mother your child? How can they tell me its my fault. I was horrified, guilty, and overwhelmed. And I didn’t know what to do.

Things seemed to be moving along well after Grade Six. Starting at an Arts primary full of quirky kids and promoting an inclusive atmosphere, she blossomed. She had tons of friends, became confident, strong, and well-liked. Even she thought she had gotten over the anxiety. But little cracks started to appear. She was resistant to help from us, became very strong-willed, and bossy. At least once every two weeks, she would vomit or have a headache before school. Sometimes, she would miss a whole week of school due to these ‘flus’. The worst for me, the apparent ‘over-mothering’ culprit, became the lack of physical contact. No hugs, no kisses, no handholding. We attributed these behaviours to puberty.

Then came high school. She auditioned and was accepted to the Arts High School for drama. She had many friends who were going to the school, and prepared for the day with excitement. My husband took her the first day, as is done in our school district. I was on a business trip, having gone back to work full-time a month earlier. The next day, I got a call. She was home from school with a headache and vomiting. And then the next day. and again the next. I told my husband, “Make her go to school. She’s fine. She can’t stay home everyday.” He did. She vomited in her purse in class. I had to go to school to take her clothes, but I wouldn’t let her come home. She called me mean, she cried, she pleaded. We spoke to the teachers, the guidance counselors. She didn’t want help from anyone, holding her feelings inside. It broke my heart. I didn’t know how to help her. This girl, who was so outwardly confident, talented, beautiful, was obviously struggling.

For the first 3 months of school, she vomited every single morning. We were finally able to get an appointment at an adolescent anxiety clinic. That too was difficult. My daughter doesn’t share her feelings easily. She’s very closed up inside, and hated the therapy from beginning to end. However, the psychologist was able to determine that she suffered from social and generalized anxiety. The vomiting was the release of the anxiety, as some people get heart palpitations or headaches. The physical ‘loving’ I tried to soothe her with, was actually making her feel trapped and constricted, ‘overmothered’. Although it broke my heart to hear it, I was happy we had a problem and a solution. The Cognitive-Behaviour Therapy (CBT) taught in her therapy sessions allowed her to understand the anxiety, the triggers, and find solutions. We started listening to her needs, helping her when asked, letting her find her own path, even if it meant failing and climbing back up. We were able to get an IEP at school for the test anxiety, so that she would not ‘blank’ out and fail her courses. We asked permission to hug, and stopped asking questions, instead allowing her to come to us to confide.

The anxiety will never go away, but it can be managed. Most importantly, we learned its HER journey, not ours. In order to control the anxiety, she has to take control. For a parent, that’s the hardest thing-to step back and watch your child struggle with something. But watching her work through her challenges, drug-free, strong, confident, and determined, shows me that she will be ok. And really, what more could I ask for.

My mother proudly went grey. I remember how excited she was when her hair started turning grey. My mother would never dream of colouring her grey hair. I, on the other hand, am frantically waiting for the stores to open tomorrow. How dare all the stores be closed for the Canadian Thanksgiving holiday!

I recently purchased two cds from Stress Free Kids (www.stressfreekids.com). I purchased “Indigo Dreams: Teen Relaxation Music” and “Indigo Teen Dreams” from their teen line of products. I wanted to try the products myself and I also wanted to see how my DD reacted to the cds. My daughter and I both agree the relaxation music cd is incredibly relaxing. The music is soft, calming and very soothing. I feel like closing my eyes and just relaxing when I listen to the music. It is a perfect way to relax at the end of a long day. A great way to release stress before falling asleep. This cd is great for both adults and kids!

The Indigo Teen Dreams cd contains relaxation techniques accompanied by nice music. The cd is very easy to listen to and the techniques are fully explained and easy to follow. I could feel the tension leave my body as I was doing the various techniques. While doing the relaxation techniques, I was able to get my mind off the stress and worry that consumed me all day. It was a nice break!

Stress Free Kids has generously donated a free download of a relaxation cd to one of my readers. In order to enter the giveaway, simply leave a comment below. Tweet about the contest and get a second entry. Draw will take place om Friday, October 1st.

About Stress Free Kids
Stress Free Kids is an American company that has a line of books and CD’s designed for the whole family. The books and cd’s were created to help both adults and kids deal with stress and anxiety.
“Our books and CDs will introduce you and your children to the proven techniques of deep breathing, progressive muscular relaxation, visualizations, and affirmations/positive statements. This unique storytelling format has been embraced by psychologists, doctors, child life care specialists, yoga instructors, teachers, counselors, parents, and most importantly… children.” www.stressfreekids.com