This honest and loving guest post was written by Natalie Rae. Natalie can be found on Twitter @YMCBuzz.
I knew my daughter Andrea would start with boyfriends sooner than her friends, since she was young she’d always seem to fancy this boy or that. Even as a baby, she’d flutter her baby blues at handsome men.
Andrea had her first boyfriend last year at the young age of thirteen. Having a boyfriend at that age is more for status at school, and pretty much involves hanging out in groups of friends and maybe the odd visit to each others’ houses, under the watchful eyes of parents.
Andrea really liked Kent, so when he broke up with her via text message on their class trip to Quebec City, sitting three rows ahead of her the bus, she was shocked and insulted.
Ever the opportunistic mother, when Andrea told me what happened with Kent, I used the experience to teach her what I knew about boys, complete with cringe-worthy anecdotes from my own young-teen years, and of course to reassure her that it likely had little to do with her or something she had done. The conversation ended with me letting her know that even though it hurts a lot right at this moment, with the help of good friends and people who care about her, she would get over it.
Since then, every cute boy that catches her eye or every sordid boy/girl story that she’s “sworn to secrecy never to repeat”, brings her tap-tapping on my door. Then into my room she skips, sits down cross-legged on my bed, and spills the beans.
This past February, her second “real” boyfriend came into the picture. Colin was smart, handsome, funny and athletic. They had a lot in common and enjoyed hanging out together.
Because of the open dialogue we now had, I knew when her first kiss was, when she got a sweet text message from Colin, and sadly, how he broke up with her two days before Grade 8 Grad. His older brother did the dirty deed for him via Facebook.
In the lifetime of a fourteen-year-old, a four-and-a-half month long relationship is considered “long term” and Grade 8 Grad is THE big event, to be fondly-remembered forever. And yet here was my beautiful daughter, heartbroken and inconsolable, two days before what should have been such a great night.
I tried my best to help her through the break-up with equal parts saying what I would have wanted to hear in that situation, and letting her cry it out. At the end of the day, surrounded by supportive girlfriends, my lovely Andrea donned her dress, straightened her hair and held her head up high as she walked into her graduation ceremony.
Looking back, I can’t help but wonder if my permissiveness had led us to this point, if I had hand-held my daughter toward a broken heart.
Many times, my husband and I have argued about whether she was too young to date or not, and I had us both convinced that if it was happening at this point in her life, this was when it was “her time” to start; we couldn’t delay what was the natural course of her life.
“And furthermore,” I had soap-boxed, “I want to celebrate all the exciting milestones in her life, just as I had with her first steps and first lost tooth.” I didn’t want to turn my back on her while she was entering the next phase of her life because I selfishly wanted to “keep my baby a baby”.
In hindsight, in our discussions about boy/girl relationships, I should probably have spent more time talking to Andrea about the downside about getting serious, how much it can hurt when break-ups occur. Since then, we’ve had plenty of talks about nice and not so nice ways to break up with someone. But more importantly, how she needs to spend time being an independent person, to grow as an individual and that girls don’t “need” to have a boyfriend or to even crush on someone.
As a mother, right now the best thing I can do is keep the dialogue open and the judgements closed.
The teenage girl in me who suffered her own broken hearts and tales of woe, wants to protect my daughter from making the same mistakes I did, but the mother in me knows she’ll make her own mistakes and I’m here to help guide her through.
One conversation at a time.
Andrea
So for adults and kids that are not planning on going in the water, the price is the same.
I want it to help me navigate through the emotional highs and lows. I also want to share my experiences with other parents and create a forum where we can discuss our experiences and learn from one another. I know that I need help surviving the teen years!
